We traveled A LOT in 2011. We saw some absolutely beautiful country, actually, a LOT of really great country. This USA is absolutely breathtaking and has more beautiful scenic landscapes than any of the other countries I've visited. As it has turned out, it is a good thing that I can take solace in beautiful sights, both personally visited or as photographed by others. As I've posted, we visited many friends and family and made many great memories. Some funny, some tender, some just plain nice. But most of the really great memories were overshadowed by some real losses. From end to beginning was my favorite Uncle, my Uncle Jim. I would have visited more but my lack of couch training for my little chihuahua became a sore point for my Cousin. I didn't get back to visit after being lectured about the proper place for a DOG. Upset me and hurt my feelings that my visits weren't welcome enough to overlook the little dog sitting on my lap. My younger brother passing was also a huge loss for me. I thought I was ready for it to happen. I knew he was in a lot of pain and HE was ready to go on to a better place - but I absolutely wasn't ready to let him go! The 3 am call absolutely shook me to my core; and subsequent lack of anyone else that seemed to care that he'd left paired with those who seemed to welcome his passing was kind of a deal-breaker. At the same time learning of the rancor, the horrid real feelings towards me from another family member was enough to send my world spinning. It seems I need to become a completely different person to comply with what those whom I thought were important to me thinks I should be. I found that there is no room for me to feel anything. Only others are allowed to feel and act on those feelings. I also learned that I was written off of the family tree by yet another relative. I wouldn't have even known about it but it was pointed out to me several times in different ways. With many excuses, but nonetheless written off. I was the first one called during a medical emergency - but as soon as the emergency status was over - I was no longer needed - or, it seems, wanted around. I realized that physical distance doesn't separate families as much as indifference does. I was asked to document memories of our childhood ~ and then berated because my memories concerned me - making me selfish and self-centered. And as I delved into my memories and photo albums to 'remember', even more memories surfaced. Some not so good, some sweet, some fun, and many happy ones. And THOSE sweet and happy ones are the ones I choose to keep close. I cannot FORGET but I hold them all as history - without rancor or bitterness. These same memories are the very things that have made me who I am, lumps, bumps, goose eggs and all. Nature has a part, Nurture has a part, but Environment had a huge impact. It still does.
I am glad that those who are important to me are doing well and are so very happy. Bittersweetly - I am sad that I am not as important to any of those same people. I will, however, continue to do what I can to become a better person in this coming year and one that maybe some day, some one can be proud to have known me. What I want most from 2011 is for the thought of me to bring a good memory up and a smile to that face.
HAPPY 2011 TO ALL
MAY YOU HAVE A HAPPY, HEALTHY,
AND PROSPEROUS
NEW YEAR
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